seven plus one, i love

dear diary,

i think i'm finally feeling happy again. you know, that kind of happiness that comes straight out of your heart and it's so real you never want to let it go. a big thankyou to whoever out there who has been blessing me all this while. i have a sneaky suspicion it's God.

this was a rocky year, so i have no idea how life would have been without 7+1(+1), the latest addition being yingzhen! each of them actually means so much to me. anyway i guess my lucky number's 7. back then in sec 3 there were 7 girls in the first batch of cheer team as well. then we have 2 more guys, which makes it a total of 9. random information, ignore me.

i remembered the last time i felt so truly happy, til the whole world came crashing down. it stopped right after i lost my friendship with nat. then for 2 years my life seemed like a blur, i didnt really like the way i was living my life, as though i couldnt give a damn about how others really thought of me, but i couldnt show it. i was confident, yes i was, but perhaps abit over the board. we thought we were good (we still think so though, i think we can never get rid of that :D) others liked me for who i was, but i think i never really liked myself then.

im thankful for feb 15, or whichever day ahead when we got hurt so bad we finally woke up. i dont know how mira and tiff felt, but for me, it was as though someone else had been living their life through me, and the friendships ceased to exist. i used to look at life in an optimistic way, but someone would always push me to the other side and force me to take up a cynical view on life. i dont think i was a good friend to my friends even though we claimed to be so close. i had choices but i chose otherwise, and i carried on despite knowing it was wrong.

tiff talked about what being a friend means to her. somewhat, i think both our definitions fit. i once thought that being a friend means accepting the person for who he/she is, flaws included. but we've grown so accustomed to siding her against others with a simple 'she's like that, we cannot help it' regardless of whatever has happened. if the friendship was reciprocated, then maybe we wouldnt feel so sore now. now it just feels like you've been slapped in the face by someone you tried to defend in the first place.

friends respect one another. i never really think that joanne respected me. i was a friend, i acted like one, we all did. many a time i've gone almost crazy arguing with her about the most mindless things ever, then wondering why i still stand by a friend like that. all my friends, every single one around me, she never respected them - almeric, oliver, nat, xavier, yin wei, or even yoshi. people who have never offended her in anyway and still think of her in a nice manner because i dont wish to tell them what she said about them. i dont think being a friend includes dedicating numerous posts on your blogs swearing and cursing at your supposed best friend, backstabbing/bitching around behind the back, or saying things like fuck-your-mom. i felt disgusted on feb 15 when she cried and claimed that eunice was dragged in because of her, and we were insulting her friend. that was real rich coming from her, i cannot even count how many times she has insulted my friends. yet we were not like her, we had our own reasons to be upset at eunice. i was your friend joanne, but you were never mine. now i'm just happy never to be associated with you ever again. even the mention of your name disgusts me.

then there were another 2. honestly i regretted such a thing had to happen between us because at least they had proper views towards friendships. but it couldnt have happened in any other way and i had my own reasons, so all i could say is it was good while it lasted.

ventures was wonderful. it took my mind off things, and now i've got a new good friend, shaun goh :) i think it'll a cca that we'll continue to enjoy til the end of next year. heres to a better life (:

love,
eugenia :D
june 2007